Is it worth it?

[fionatbabe]

It saddens me to read the thread re Sally who is travelling with "nothing but a bag of clothes" to start a new life returning to the gender from where she came.
This serves as a stark reminder to those who are contemplating going full time as this is a decision that should only be taken after serious consideration.
We can all be drawn in by the glamour pics that we see on the internet, however the reality is so much different and as we have read in Sally's thread, indeed thoughts of taking ones own life encapsulates the consequenes of making the wrong choice and are likely to surface if all necessary criteria has not been accomplished.
Before we get into criteria firsty get over yourself if you are thinking that this relates only to sychometric tests and psychiatric opinion
...What is the criteria?..well the criteria can only be set by the individual but should include...
passibility
social support/networks
economics
personal sacrifice
Goals/ life ambition/quality of life

Each person needs to be honest and set a minimum criteria for each area and measure it against current achievement in all of these areas iand in current gender and be realistic on what will be compromised in each of these areas.

The reality, especially true of late transitioners is that the majority of us will be 'read' in some social context.
we will be significantly socially and economically compromised, especially true of those who wish to move on into a completely integrated social life.
You are likely to lose those who you are closest to and you hold most dearly.
You will start life over again just when life should be becoming more comfortable.
You will spend significant amounts of time on your own left only with your thoughts and consequences of your decisions long after the initial novelty excitement and bravado of your decision has passed.

...is it all worth it!!!???

Well I can only speak for myself when I answer

HELL YEA!!!

Its true I do miss my boys so much it hurts but I know when they are older they would be happy for me and wanted me to live my life being true to myself and realise it was me who gave them their life to live as they choose to live.
I was married for 16yrs and hold those memories very dear and have no regrets on conceiving two fab, beautiful boys and enjoyed the affections of a very special person, my ex wife, and sharing my life with them .Yes I did lie but the lie was firstly to myself.

I write this thread at the latter stages of my transition, with special thanks to mum, dad and Jackie Moore, my best friend and her partner Kathy without whom I doubt whether I would have made it.
Thank you for whiping my tears, for the hugs, kindness and not forgetting sharing the most amusing moments, stories and anicdotes that one could only encounter when taking this brave unpredicatable, roller coaster of a journey!

Love
Fiona

Regular sort of girl and it began at the Ren

Dear Fiona,

I don't disagree with, nor judge anything you've said.

I do however worry that your advice maybe taken literally by some.
We are all different in our life and circumstances. What was ultimately right for you may prove disasterous for others.

I agree with your criteria but maybe in advising others, there should be added:

Is it possible? (a very small corruption of passible containg "I").

Is it all about "Me" or should I consider the emotions and feelings of others before "I" undertake such a venture?

Are my feelings strong and vital enough to give up everything?

Am I strong and resilient enough to face the consequences of my actions?

Your points seem extremeley hard and objective.
This decision involves sensitivity and a great deal of human subjectiveness.
We have the advantage in that we feel all the emotion. We have years of hiding it from others, we should (with good advice) understand ourselves.
The problem is, when you break it to others they are starting from square one!

As I said above, I'm sure you've done the right thing for you and your loved ones.
I would however caution against such assuredness of view. If I've learnt anything from the forum it's the difference between us all, our stage of transition, and our approach to the ones we love and, our consequent future.

Is it all worth it?

HELL! Maybe.

Jan

[Gillian S]

I'm probably not the best placed to comment on "is it worth it" and the losses involved in being ourselves but I have two things to add:

Firstly, we are all unique individuals and one person's solution is not likely to work for another. All we can do is ask, listen and make our own decisions as best we can.
Secondly, we actually live in a world containing more than one person. Our lives impact on others and the phrase "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" springs to mind. It's usual to want to minimize harm to them but there comes a point where our love for others means we have to let them go. It's tragic but in some cases being together does more damage than letting go. Only the individual can decide if that point is reached and what needs to be done. Logic goes right out of the window when it comes to relationships - in this domain, emotions rule supreme. Sensitivity is not always possible when stress and emotions are running high.

I've little else to add - perhaps these posts should be collated into a transition manual and given to every new member in the public section. Titled "Don't panic - it transition for you" and on the bottom of each page "Ask questions then you decide".

Gillian.

[Sara Rae]

Transitioning is like having children both come without a manual and a good deal of greif! one thing you have to look forward to is staring anew which becomes less easy the older you get, I can see the sense in all the posts so far, with reguards to Sally coping without a Family around has been hard especially when you concider the fact theat her goals in life went with her desition, this is not a critisiam of whats been said, it simply (if thats a good way of putting it) saying do whats best for youself and hope you get it right

[debs_n_soots]

Hi Fiona et al,

Firstly let me correct what, I think, is a mistake.

I don't actually think Sally has reverted to her former gender - in fact the post I've read say quite the opposite..... undoubtedly she's been having a tough time - but it sounds like it was worth it.

However, it does happen and certainly - to state the obvious really - transition is not a decision to take lightly.

I feel Fiona's criteria - from the perspective of the person transitioning are good ones. I think its an important point she makes in that the level of acceptance for each is different for each individual. Some, for example would feel they could not transition unless 100% passable. For very few is this a realistically achievable goal - but if it is a person's goal then it's better to look at this and examine your chances before transition.

Unfortunately, I feel, very many of us are less than objective on these kind of criteria - because it's such an emotionally loaded subject.

On the subject of others affected, this is a big difficulty many of us face. However, is it completely selfish to make ourselves happy rather than live a life of self sacrifice for someone else's sake? In my experience I spent a long time worrying about others - and making one of them (my ex) pretty miserable in the process due to the uncertainty and me being a thoroughly miserable sod in the meanwhile. I do think we owe it to ourselves to try to achieve contentment in life - but I do know it isn't quite so simple or black and white....

I think I'm in danger of rambling here, so I'll leave it and go off and think some more

[Reggie]

I'm with Sally on this one.

I think I know her quite well, having been there when she first came to us, and having had quite a lot of conversations with her ever since the manure hit the ventilation system.

I believe she has been one of the strongest people I have come across in this strange and fraught live we embark upon, even tho' there have been a few times when she has wondered what the hell has she let herself in for.
I agree with Debs' she has not reverted.

I can empathise with her as I have had some instances where I have had negative responses from family members, and wondered why.

Just Half an hour ago I spoke to my son in law on the phone and he called my by my old male name. I just let it go as I now know he is an *******

[jackiejones]

i do not want to comment for risk of offending anyone,something i would talk about face to face proping up a bar.

I will say one thing though,whoever transitions are the bravest people on the face of the planet

[noeleena]

Hi.

I wont comment on this concerning the person in this case, as having not meet .

Where i would start is we are all different & with that some details work others dont.

i can look back over 12 years as a person first as a male & as a woman . now & this is only me here .
When i join person , male , woman, all to gether then thats who i am. i see self acceptance as being the ...most ... important part of who each one of us is .
not wether i pass as a male or woman . that to me has total no meaning at all because of who i am, wired both male & female & you know that .
i dont pass as a female / woman & nore will i, so whats left just to be a person who is / can be accepted on the grounds of being a person, i know i stand on being who i am & yes a woman in my own right . not a full woman & i accept that . yet im accepted as a woman any way,

what i did to get where i am now,
Was not really me . other people who helped , who accpted what was happening to me my friends & many others who stood with me . , strange as it may be i thought i have to do it all , well not so i soon found out that every detail had been put in place for my change if i can call it that ,
was there for me all i had to do was be there be ready & accept others would help .
Now i m not saying it was easy for us in our family far from it 8 years of pure hell make no mistake . yet its still hard . what we need to keep in mind we still can lose every thing even after we have lived as women .

we need to be very strong in our selfs to with stand a lot thatll be thrown at us , & even if we are strong we still can go down , getting up is not allways so easy. trust me i know,
& one thing i would not say to others is do things like i have . or still do , & some of you know this. ( okay braging rights ),
Go on open T V N Z two stations ,papers & the net.

This worked for me it was not of my choosing yet i knew i would do this , iv had the acceptance , to show others that because some of us are different we can be accepted as people or ( trans people ) we can enter in to social life for the second time as different from what we were first seen as.
I can only speak for my self in N Z ,
I fully understand what your saying what has worked for this kid may not & more likely not work for yous .
if i was to ( pass ) i dought id be here or on the other 50 odd forums ,as for T V , papers & net why would i because i would have just been a part of socity with out a word about my back ground . & that would be that.
so my main word is & you know , self... acceptance ...& being... accepted ...by others ,
& of cause being well known helps as well.

...noeleena...

[Helen Sinclair]

I was going to start a new thread for what I’m about to say, but as it’s directly related to this one I’ll just tag it onto the end, if that’s not too perverse.

This will probably be my last contribution to this forum, unless people demand otherwise, since I’m no longer living as Helen. One member of this forum already knows this – we have been discussing it for the past few weeks, and hopefully she now accepts that I know what I’m doing.

To say I’m no longer living as Helen isn’t quite accurate: rather, I’m no longer living as Helen OUTWARDLY. After decades of experience I have found it’s a lot easier to be Helen if I allow people to assume I belong to the gender associated with my physical sex. And since deciding to do that, I feel a lot more comfortable with myself.

No longer do I have to worry about whether I pass or not. No more fear of abuse or ridicule, or wondering if family members will ever accept me as Helen. But best of all, I will never again have to be humiliated and intimidated by arrogant psychiatrists who insist they know what’s best for me.

I will never feel comfortable being called ‘sir’, or referred to as ‘a gentleman’, or having to use men’s toilets. But that’s a sacrifice I have to make: I can’t have everything. As people have said, it’s not possible to transition without making sacrifices, and for me, those sacrifices are greater than the ones I have to make in presenting myself as male.

To those of you who think otherwise, whether you’re transitioning or you just cross-dress, good luck to you.

[noeleena]

Hi . Helen.

I hope you see this would you kindly email me please ,

noeleena@clear.net.nz

id like to talk with you . as a friend
Thank you .

...noeleena...


noeleena Loch-head,
innes st,
waimate 7924.
new zealand .