Help and advice please what am I?

[Sunshine]

When I was a young child I was small for my age and very shy .I felt that I didn't fit in with the boys or girls .When I got old enough to be left at home by myself , I would wear my mum's clothes ,I loved how they felt .
As time went by I got my own flat and started cross dressing .I then got a bit bolder and started going into different towns , but never close to where I lived for fear of seeing someone I new .I am a loner and have no friends , that doesn't bother me .In time I started to feel lonely , and decided to get a girlfriend .(I am not sexually attracted to men )
I met a wonderful woman , we have been together for 13 years , married for 6 years .I never told her about the cross dressing .I didn't dress for 7 years , as I never got the chance to .In 2002 we got married , my wife bought a shop , which meant she had to work on Saturday .So each Saturday I would dress ,my wife suspected nothing of this .
3 years ago we moved to Spain ,I thought a new start ,I got rid of all my female things .Last December my wife went back to the UK for 2 weeks ,a few days before this I had decided that I was going to buy a dress and shoes .As soon has I got home from work I would change into the dress ,I even spent the weekends in the dress .The second weekend I thought ,just 1 more week to dress , then thats it until next year .I broke down and spent the rest of the week crying .During this I started looking on Transgender sites , trying to get some answers I even looked at sex change sites .In my mind I had decided that I wanted to be a girl ,I am so confused .When my wife came home she know something was wrong , and kept asking me what was wrong .
The next day I devastated her world ,I broke down and blurted out that I wanted to be a girl ,I told her everything .She took this very badly .She has said that I can dress on Sunday , the last time she even came and sat with me .This week she bought me some tights , make up bag ,lacy knickers and a eye liner pencil .she feels that she has accepted this , but if I have a sex change that it .It has affected her health , she took a overdose and went into a coma , it was lucky that I went into the room where she was , when I did .The doctors said she was in a very bad way .She has been diagnosed with clinical depression and Dissoctive Identity Dissorder .
I really don't know what I want, I never thought about a sex change until that weekend .We have done a lot of talking over this , and some of the things my wife has said make sense , things I had not thought about .It is making me question what I want .I don't know why this happened ,I have a lovely wife who I love , we live in a lovely country ,I have a good job ,we don't have a mortgage or any debt , so why now I ask myself ?
I am going to see a Psychologist next month , all I want is a solution .
Has anybody else experienced anything like this .
Sunshine

[Lynda Collins]

Having briefly look up DID it say's it is caused by a person having multi personalities. Has she shown any signs of this in the past?

Now to yourself..... I think you confuse gender and sexuality in your post, who we fall in love with has nothing to do with our gender, many of us try to do the right thing and put ourselves last but, there comes a times when we cannot suppress our emotions any longer..... Look upon it as a safety valve.

None of us want to hurt anyone, especially the one we love....

I do not know where you want to be.... tv or ts ... only you will know this deep inside.

I do think that both of you need counseling either together or separately.

Sending you both a big hug

[Sally Ann Magnay]

Join the club sunshine You are not alone. All you have done is follow the same path as thousand's of other girls. And others still unborn will follow us

We help each other here ,,. all you have to do is ask

Sally

[rebbecca]

The only thing I can say sunshine is that 15 months ago I was sat with a bottle of pills and a bottle of whiskey contemplating suicide. I have dressed on and off since adolescence and am also in the closet not been brave enough to tell my wife and family.

I decided to go and see a psychiatrist to help me with my problems, the first thing she did was help me realise that I wasn’t the only one and there were many others who dressed and liked womens things, I have never wanted to be a girl I just like feminine undies etc.

The one thing that she helped me understand was that the dressing was something that was and has been inside me since birth, and cannot be changed denied or ultimately suppressed.

It isn’t something to be ashamed of feel dirty about as I did. It is part of me and (Rebbecca) has and always will be with me.

All I can say is go with an open mind and allow yourself to find the answers as it is you that has to discover the answer.

Hugs
:)

[Ellena]

It always breaks my heart to see effect our culture has had on us. To escape from who we are is impossible, that is always first and hard lesson to learn, and take some of us so long time to do so. Whether one is TV or TS,- ie what we are, is the next lesson I reached that point when I was 40, and still think it over , until I found that inside I was TV. Maybe I can help on how I made that decision. I felt it was case of either wanting to be woman, or wanting to express my femininity more. Problem I had was I disliked my male side, but it was because it was gaoler of my female feelings, not because I was wrong gender. That fact warped my initial feelings.As I opened up my female side, stop repressing it, I felt less animosity to being male, and that is when I realized I was not TS. I think from what I have read, and more listen to, it about not just wanting to me female, but also wanting not to be male. I do not fulfil that criteria. I am in between. I thus cross dress not to just be, but to have confidence to open up what is so feminine in me - that is so important. At same time I have excellent male heterosexual relationship with my partner. I needed then to find balance between that which is female and that which is male, which I am beginning to find. A whole new me is developing- more rounded, as I find the balance. I worry how close I might have made wrong decision about myself - but chatting here in forum, to TS and TV's has helped so much. So Sally is right and you are not alone. And whether you are TS and TV is as Lynda says comes from you. But post like this will help. I hope my thoughts above may be of help - but there are just my thoughts.

my very best wishes

Ellena:)

[Sunshine]

Hi ,
Thanks everyone for the comments .I posted on another site and this is the reply.

I do have empathy for your situation and have been through very similar turmoil myself.
Whilst I'm quite happy to tell you the story of my life and 30 year marriage I think that right now you urgently need some simple pointers towards a plan of action before you do anything terminal to your relationship.

Firstly...... one of the usual indicators of transsexualism is absent from what you have said so far - a very long held desire to actually BE a woman.
From what you have said you may be deeply transvestite and nothing more, in which case it IS perfectly possible for you and your wife to continue.
There are many happy couples where the husband is trans with the knowledge and often active participation of the wife - in that regard you are fortunate in that your wife is trying to make the best of the situation and has even been out and bought you some stuff and suggested that you go out together.
This is a VERY positive thing - many wives more or less simply walk out as soon as the situation becomes known to them.
The most important advice that I can give to you at this time is to slow down and calm down!

Dressing is an important part of your personality and cannot be denied - it is not a thing that will ever go away, as you have already realised.
But.... you have not been dressing for a long time and giving in to the urge after abstinence always brings a euphoria and a desire for more. You have also opened up and told your nearest and dearest which after years of secrecy and denial causes powerful emotions to surge.
Right now, you don't know your arse from your elbow - you're (both) far too stressed and disorientated to be making very important decisions about your own future or your future together.

The first thing to do is to stop scaring your wife so much!!! Stop saying at this point that you are transsexual and give it a little time while you work out for sure whether you actually are or not.
There are varying degrees of transvestism from masturbating whilst wearing a pair of knickers through to leading practically a complete double life and in that female component there may be no sex at all.
There are also many who ARE transsexuals, but for various reasons do not go along with it, finding a tolerable compromise instead.

The desire to be a woman is common to all these - it's a question of degree.
Transvestites also very much want to BE women, they don't really want to be a man-dressed-as-a-woman ...... but they only want it for a short time, they don't want to give up manhood forever.
There are transsexuals who definitely want to be women, but find that they are able to get along with much less - a quite high proportion of diagnosed transsexuals who are in the Program and have taken hormones do not make full transition. Some begin their transition intending to go all the way to genital surgery and then change their mind long before because they've reached a point where they've found enough peace of mind.

At this early stage and in the stress and confusion you are experiencing through finally dealing with this long suppressed "problem" you cannot possibly know for sure what you do want in the long term.
The one thing that is VERY clear is that both you and your wife care deeply for each other and if possible want to stay together.

I think that at this stage, this is what you should do:-
Stop telling the wife that you want to completely be a woman (sex-change surgery)
Start dressing regularly. Wife knows now and is prepared to try and accommodate so include her - go shopping for stuff for you, seek her advice, spend time together with you dressed, go out if possible.
- in other words, express this feminine side that you have kept secret for so long.
Get help! Contact the Beaumont Society immediately - as Becky says, they have strong support for wives and it would undoubtedly be helpful to your wife to talk to other wives who have had to deal with the same thing. Right now she will feel very alone - her entire world has crumbled without warning and she needs to know that it is possible to get through this, that others have done so and how.
Contact your nearest transvestite/transsexual group (Beaumont may advise where and how) and go to a meeting.

You need to take your time..... you may find if you do dress regularly, that alone is enough. Whether you are in fact transsexual and whether even then you are driven to go all-the-way is something that you can only decide when the dust has settled from your sudden revelations and you have had time to adjust to the new situation where you now have the freedom to express your feminine side on a regular basis.

Do not take any important decisions about your marriage or make sweeping statements about your future plans unt .I read this and agree with what she says .At the moment though I can't see my wife helping me choose clothes , or going out dressed ,it's just too soon .She thought that see could cope seeing me dressed ,then she had another set back .
I have shown my wife this post , and she said that's what she has been saying all along .I have read this post over and over ,and yes I think this is the answer, this is what I want .
I am going to see a psychologist this month , just to get some in put ,a solution , but I think I have found it , just need to have it clarified .When my wife went away for 3 days , she told me not to embarrass her , she meant not to go out dressed , we live in a small village .I will let you all know how I get on .
Hi Lynda
My wife has had depression before but never as bad has now .This is the first time for DID .The way that she described it to the psychiatrist was that she felt in her head ,they was a rational part and an unrational part that were fighting each other .The unrational part came out .The psychiatrist said that her brain was over loaded , so when she said things or did things that was not normal ,her brain switched off , that's why she can't remember.

[Lynda Collins]

Firstly don't forget you other half is more than welcome on this forum as well and like yourself can ask any questions they may have.
I do not necessarily think the WOBS wives support group is the best avenue as in past they tend to either tolerate or think being Tg or Ts is a mental illness. I would also consider using Relate counciling services as they tend to be impartial.
I would also say take things slowly think every stage out clearly and do look after your other half, she has just had her world blown apart, she needs reassurance at this time and do keep communicating with each other.

[Sunshine]

The other week,my wife and me sat and had a long talk, she wanted to know how I felt. She suggested that I dress that night and we watch television together, I was a bit surprised by this and asked her is she was sure. I just wore unisex clothes, make up and wig. I dressed like that so as not to shock her.I told her that my hair kept getting in the way. she suggested that I bring the sides back, she brought in a lovely slide type with stones in. We had a good night, she even kissed me while in fem mode.
Last week she suggested that we go out during the day to buy clothes with me dressed. I have never been out during the day in fem mode. We drove to a city 45 mins away, I felt scared and nervous. When we got there my wife was watching to see if anyone was looking at me odd, 5 people did. We both bought some clothes, fem for me.We went into a bar , my wife did the ordering, the person who served us kept looking at me. Later on my wife said why don't we go out tonight, with you dressed.We drove to a place about 20 mins away. We had a really good night. When we got back, I put my arms around her kissed her and said thank you. She asked me why I said that, I said it was because of today, I had a lovely time.I asked her how she had felt, she said it was like being out with a friend.
We are hoping to move in a few years time. My wife said if we get a semi with it's own ground, we could make it really private, and no one would be able to see in. She said I would have the best of both worlds, and dress as and when, she asked me how I felt about that. I told her that is something I could live with, and that we could go out to 1 town in fem mode, and another town has male.
My wife is still very depressed, one day we had gone into a bar for coffee, and she started crying, this happens a lot. She is due to see the psychologist at the end of the month.

[Sunshine]

This weekend we had planned on going shopping with me dressed for fem clothes. My wife has joined a few mental health forums. The night before we were going shopping, I came into the room where my wife was. She was in a very bad way, she was crying and posting on the mental forum. I saw the post and asked her why she was feeling like that. She told me everything about how she was feeling, she had suicidal thoughts, and felt really desperate. She said that she needed to talk to someone , she also said that the psychologist had told her that if she felt bad, she had to go to the hospital. I asked her if she wanted to go, she said that she did. She packed some night clothes and toiletries in case they kept her. I knew things must have been bad has she was prepared to stay in a Spanish hospital, when she doesn't speak much Spanish . We went to the local hospital, it was late at night. We were told that we would have to go to another one, 45mins away.
My wife told them how she was feeling. They have prescribed another anti depressant , multi vitamins, and she has to have 6 injections for thiamin. We didn't get home until 4-30am. That day we didn't go out , my wife said she was sorry for putting me through this. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for, and that I was sorry for putting her through this. that night we went out. In one of the bars, they was a couple sat at the bar. The lad kept turning round to look at me, then said something to his girlfriend. I knew that I was a man in fem clothes.
This morning my wife was crying again, she told me the reason why. On Tuesday I have my first appointment with the psychologist, I will let you know how I get on.

[rebbecca]

Dear Sunshine

This is a major step for you as it was for me. :)

The only advice i can offer is to be completely honenst and open with your counsellor they are there to help you discover who and what you are, they do not have the answer you do!

I can only relate that when i "confessed" to someone face to face it was as if a burden of guilt had been lifted for all the years i had kept this secret to myself.

I am still in the closet to family and friends somthing i still regret but that is the way it is!

After a few sessions i began to understand what my crossdressing and transvestism was for me i enjoyed wearing silky flowing things i like many have no wish to take it any futher towards gender changes etc.

Good Luck and all are wishes are with you and your wife as you travel this road of self discovery - Good Luck

Bekky
A Shy Sissy:o

[Lynda Collins]

I keep reading your posts and it 's hard to know where to start. There is so much going on in your and your others halves life.

She has many things going on, DID causing depression and massive mood swings and, Thiamin deficiency.
and yet she is still trying to save the relationship by suggesting finding a place with privacy where you can dress and be yourself.

As for yourself you have to find out where you fit in, where you have to be and more importantly who you have you be.

I hope the visit tomorrow helps you to discover the truth... just be open and honest ....

Wait to find how you got on

Love to you both

[Sunshine]

My appointments with the psychiatrist and endo have been a waste of time. They do not deal with gender things. I have another appointment with a psychiatrist at another hospital next month.My wife's health is getting better. she had no interest in anything. This week she went into the garden and started pulling up the weeds. She has also started work on the dress that she started making last year. We went away for 10 days, I was in fem mode all the time. My wife is very supportive, and has come to terms with it. She got up set while on holiday, this lad was coming on to me. He was touching my hand and arms. He even said that he wanted to sleep with me. My wife has cut down on her drinking, in fact she doesn't drink much now. I want T blockers and hormones, I have decided that I will not have surgery, it is a sacrifice to keep my wife. We have decided to move to another area, then I will be dressed all the time. This was my wife's idea . We have an area where we think we want to move to. This will be a few years away.

[Lynda Collins]

Am glad to hear that your other half is getting better health wise but, it seems that you are having trouble in transitioning and getting the help that you need.

I can also understand your other half getting upset when this guy came onto you and I hope you also made it clear that his attention was unwanted.

As to you deciding not to have surgery time alone will tell as we all know things can change over time.

as long as you are both happy and can keep making joint decisions about your future together then you should be okay.

Big Hug to you both
from myself and Petra

[Sunshine]

At last things are starting to happen this month. Tomorrow I am seeing a psychiatrist who deals with gender. Also this month I have an appointment with the endo, and blood tests, I will also be seeing the urologist. I know it will be months down the line before treatment starts. My wife has told me that she is scared and worried as to the effects this will have on me. We went out on Saturday night, and got talking to some people. Nothing odd happened, but I asked my wife if she thought I had been read. She told me no. I think the couple thought that we might have been in a lesbian relationship, has they never mentioned anything about our partners. My wife told me not to be silly, as we never mentioned anything about there partners. This week my wife has been showing me how to dance, I seem to loose the tempo. She said that I did well, and said that she would video me. so I could watch it back.

[Sunshine]

Today I went to see the psychiatrist, I took some photos of me dressed when we were on holiday. My wife said why are you taking them. I told her because I couldn't dress in fem mode. When we got to the hospital, the psychiatrist told her to wait outside. she said that she would go and wait at the maim door , so she could have a cig. The psychiatrist said that he would call her in later and to wait. He took some history , and explained about the hormones, and T blockers.
I went to get my wife, I knew that she had been crying. The psychiatrist was reading what I had wrote, then what my wife had wrote. I told her that he wanted to know what she felt about all of this. I told her that I had told him what she felt. My wife was crying and said that I didn't know how she felt. She said that it was sick, pathetic, play acting, and that on a Saturday night in the car she was sick of me repeating over and over, trying to get my voice right. The psychiatrist noticed that she was crying. He started talking to her, but it was all in Spanish, so she didn't understand any of it. He told me that it was to soon for my wife, to see the changes that hormones do and T blockers. My wife asked me if I had asked for Viagra, as I have a low sex drive. I told her no, has he said that some people can preform. My wife told me when we came out, that everything she has done this past 13years was for me, out of love, and she was on the back burner. She said that we are not making love. I was quite shocked at what she said, but it is right. She said that since Saturday, she had been feeling really down, but put a mask on for me. My next appointment is in 6 weeks time.

[Sunshine]

The day that I went to see the psychiatrist. I was annoyed that I have to wait 6 weeks, and by what my wife said. That night we were going out. When I got back from work, my wife was ready. After I had eaten, she asked if I was going to get changed, I told her no. She said ,so your going out looking scruffy, at least I have my pride. We drove in silence, and got to the bar. I never spoke, my wife said , the trouble with you is truth hurts, start living in the real world. I told her to stop having a go at me. She told me that I can't blame her for what happened today, and perhaps when the psychiatrist saw what she had wrote, he decided to see me in 6 weeks time. She said that if I had got a prescription on the first visit, he should be struck off. I still sat in silence. My wife started crying, told me to pay as we were going home, we had only been out 30mins. When we got back she said that she needed to go to hospital, she packed some over night things and off we went. She went in to see the psychiatrist on her own. She told them that she had suicidal thoughts, and was thinking of ways to hurt herself. I was then called in, we spoke in Spanish. The psychiatrist said that they would keep her in over night, if she wanted to, my wife said that she did. I then knew how bad she was feeling, has she only speaks a bit of Spanish. She was not allowed any personal belongings, and 1 phone call. It is a high security unit, I told them I would pick her up at 8-30pm. I left all her medication. The next day she phoned me, I could hardly tell what she was saying has she was crying. I told her that I would pick her up at night, and to just hang on in there.
I got there for 8-30, at 10-30 they let me see my wife, we then had to wait to see the psychiatrist. She told me that they never gave her any medication, she had a bad headache and asked for something for it, she was given nothing. Once the psychiatrist was sure that she would not hurt herself she was allowed home. I was just glad to have her back.
_________________

[AuntieJackie]

My story starts back in 2002. After many years of blissful married life and bringing up 3 children, there came a point in March 2002 where I could no long contain my thoughts of becoming a woman as I have these feelings from the age of 15yrs old but somehow managed to put it on the back burner during all of those years.
At first I paid a visit to my(then) local GP who basically told me to go away as the surgery was not interested in TS and it took me at least 3 visits before the Dr took me seriously and he would refer me to a psychologist at my local hospital, but in the mean time I had to tell my wife that I wish to be a female and at first she didn't take me seriously but unknown to her I had been hiding my stash of female clothes until one day she discovered them.
I had no option but to come clean and try to explain my desire to become a female, well it was like a bomb shell that had dropped on the house and by this time I had also informed my 3 children who took it amongst themselves to cease communication with me.
My wife and I went to 'Relate' to see if they could help us but after a lengthy meeting my wife broke down and nothing was resolved and refused to go back for any further meetings. I tried in vain to sit down with her to discuss things but she absolutely refused to talk things over so as to come to a compromise. She was offered counselling but turned that down as well , so what do I do now where my thoughts...........................

[AuntieJackie]

So now I'm at the stage where my entire family are against me and each day would end up in an augument despite my efforts to comfort her and on top of that I had to curtail my dressing femme as I might upset our friends and neighbours. Now I am getting very depressed day by day and eventually ended up considering suicide and was admitted to the hospital and on top of all this I am diagnosed with prostrate cancer. Although my wife isn't entirely happy of me being a female she's come to except it but with reservations and still addresses me as a He and not a She. Its still a on going battle between us both but at least I can dress fully as a female 24/7 and excepted by my children although my grandchildren still call me Grandad!!!! Oh well you cannot win them all.

[noeleena]

Hi... Sunshine ... you may not wish to answer what i am going to ask here ...
How well do you know your s o ... i mean really know ...what makes her tick ... i know what you need its just your s o is not copeing because she is if not allready loseing you the male .. man.. this was not a part of the deal when you ((we )) got married . you are expecting some thing she may not be able to give you . she is being put in to great turmoil depresson what ever ... she is not coping . coming to terms with the one she love s is going if not gone ...
Can you put your self in her place .. can you think as she would ..could .. & is ..come from her side . of what ..yes ..you ..are putting her through ...
Till the time of when you told her of whats going on inside of you did her depresson show did she have concerns like she has now . . i am coming from the womans side here . not any male thinking just a woman . if you would like to email me ... noeleena@clear.net.nz . if i can help i will .
...noeleena...

[Debbra]

Hi love i know its very hard for you... and if you need surport we are all hear for you,,, and your wife..Reading your script brought back memories for me... I went through simalar but did not have a partener.. but you cant change hwo you are inside and if you need surport let people know its not good being on your own..if you and your wife need to talk to people who have gorn through what your going through right now it dose help bring things out in the open... and gives a new light for the both of you.. I went throught it on my own in that cence. but had had good family backing.. and i would not change back...i whish you all the luck and hope you find yourself... if you need surport or advice then let me or people know at the renacance..we are only to happy to help best whishes and kindest of regards Debbie